As an RA or student staff member, you’re no stranger to difficult conversations. Maybe it’s mediating a roommate conflict, talking to a resident about noise complaints, or addressing a policy violation. No matter how much training you get, these conversations can still feel awkward or uncomfortable. That’s where a technique called “third-thinging” comes in. It can make those tough talks a lot easier for both you and your residents.
What is “Third-Thinging”?
“Third-thinging” is all about using an object, a tool, or a shared experience as a “third thing” in the conversation. Instead of feeling like it’s you versus the other person, you both focus on this third thing together. It creates some emotional distance and makes the conversation feel less personal or confrontational.
Think of it like this:
- Without a third thing: You → Resident (can feel tense)
- With a third thing: You and Resident → Third Thing (feels more like teamwork)
It’s a simple shift that can make a big difference.
Why It Works
- Takes the pressure off: Instead of focusing on “who’s right” or “who’s wrong,” you’re both looking at a shared topic.
- Encourages reflection: People are often more open to talking when they don’t feel like they’re being attacked.
- Builds collaboration: It feels like you’re working with your resident, not against them.
How You Can Use It
Here are a few easy ways to bring “third-thinging” into your conversations:
1. Use a Written Policy or Agreement
When you’re reminding a resident about a community standard or a roommate agreement, refer back to the document.
“Let’s take a look at the roommate agreement you both filled out together. It says here that you agreed on quiet hours starting at 10 PM. How can we work together to stick to that?”
Instead of it sounding like you’re making up rules, you’re just pointing to something you both already agreed on.
2. Use a Visual or Diagram
If you’re helping roommates talk through a problem, drawing it out can help. Sketch a schedule, a floor plan, or a list of shared responsibilities.
“Let’s map out when each of you needs the room quiet so we can see where the conflicts are.”
Now you’re all looking at the same thing (the diagram) and brainstorming together.
3. Share a Story or Scenario
Sometimes it helps to talk about a situation, not the person directly.
“Sometimes when people don’t talk about small problems early on, they can build up and cause bigger issues later. Have you noticed anything small that’s bothering you that we could talk about now?”
It’s less threatening and encourages them to open up.
4. Bring in a Reflection Tool
You might use a survey, a reflection card, or even a set of discussion prompts.
“Here’s a quick reflection card with some questions about living together. Pick one and let’s talk about it.”
It feels more casual (like a game or activity) and less like a lecture.
Final Thoughts
Difficult conversations are part of the job but they don’t have to feel like a battle. “Third-thinging” is a way to shift the vibe from you vs. them to you + them tackling an issue together. Next time you’re facing a tough talk, try bringing in a third thing. You might be surprised how much smoother it goes.
You’ve got this!
Adapted from “Third Thinging” Difficult Conversations in Residence Life
