The academic year is in full swing. You’re supervising student staff, building community, answering emails, navigating yet another roommate conflict, and putting out a million little fires.
Then your duty phone rings at 2 a.m.
You probably got into this work because you wanted to make a difference. Maybe you had an incredible Res Life experience yourself. Maybe you wanted to be the supervisor, mentor, or professional that helps students find their place or be the supervisor, mentor, or professional that you wanted – but never had.
But somewhere between the duty calls, difficult situations, nonstop emails and never-ending-to-do list, it can start to feel like you’re playing a role instead of being yourself.
What if being good at this job doesn’t require losing yourself?
When Survival Mode Takes Over
We all know survival mode.
It’s snapping at the resident who woke you up at 2 a.m. It’s walking the other direction when you see your RA because you know it won’t be a five-minute conversation. It’s putting a small piece of feedback from your supervisor on repeat in your head for the rest of the day.
When we operate in survival mode, we become reactive, defensive, and emotionally drained. Does that sound familiar to you right now? In the language of The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, by Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, and Kaley Warner Klemp, we are operating below the line.
Above the line leadership looks different. It means being open, curious, and intentional. Instead of automatically reacting, we notice what is happening and choose how we want to respond.
That sounds great at 2 p.m. but what about at 2 a.m.?
Here are four conscious leadership practices that you can start using now – even in that 2 a.m. crisis moment!
1. Shift From Blame to Ownership
The Situation: You’re exhausted, frustrated, and thinking, The student made me get up at 2 a.m. for this? Why am I dealing with this?
Blame gives away our agency. Everything is happening to us. Instead…
The Shift: Focus on what you can control.
You can’t control a duty call. You can’t control the student’s choices…but you can control how you enter the situation and what you do next.
Try This: When you notice yourself blaming someone or something ask:
What’s one thing I can own here? You don’t have to own everything – just start with your part.
2. Replace Defensiveness with Curiosity
The Situation: A student staff member makes a mistake. A resident challenges you. A parent gets pushy with you. Your first instinct is to correct them, explain why they are wrong, or prove that you’re right. Instead….
The Shift: Get curious before you get corrective.
Instead of deciding, This student just makes bad choices, try asking, What might be happening here that I don’t understand yet?
Maybe that student who keeps making frustrating choices is anxious about making friends and desperately wants to belong. Maybe that pushy parent is still trying to figure out how to parent this child they love so much from this new distance.
Curiosity doesn’t mean ignoring behavior or avoiding accountability. It gives you more information so you can respond more effectively.
Try This: Before offering a solution, ask one genuine question.
What happened from your perspective?
What do you think you need right now?
What would you do differently next time?
3. Pause Instead of Reacting
The Situation: The incident is escalating. Someone is upset. You’re frustrated. Your body is screaming at you to DO SOMETHING NOW!
In this work, we spend a LOT of time in high-stress situations. We often think being “professional” means ignoring our own emotional response….it doesn’t!
The Shift: Notice the emotion without letting it choose your response.
Try This: A 60-second reset: Name it. Breathe. Choose a next step.
What am I feeling? Take a breath.
How do I want to respond?
That small pause creates space between what you feel and what you do….and that can change everything.
4. Stop Saying Yes to Everything
The Situation: A student needs something, so you become the solution. You notice an educational gap, so you create a program. A student is homesick, so you spend two hours talking with them. Res Life staff are really good at caring. We are really good at filling in the gaps.
Sometimes we’re less good at boundaries.
When we say yes to everything, eventually we can’t keep all our commitments – to our students, our staff, our friends and family, and often ourselves.
The Shift: A boundary isn’t a failure to care. It helps you care sustainably.
Try This: identify one place this week where you need to say no, renegotiate an expectation, or set a healthier limit.
You don’t have to be everything to everyone to be an effective residence life professional.
You Don’t Have to Lose Yourself in the Job
Let’s be real for a moment. “Professionalism” can feel like performing. It can feel like filtering out our instincts, emotions, and personality through what we think a professional is supposed to look like.
Authenticity doesn’t mean saying everything you’re thinking or sharing every emotion.
It means show up consistently in ways that align with your values.
You can take responsibility and give yourself grace.
You can be curious and hold someone accountable.
You can experience strong emotions and choose your response.
You can care deeply and have boundaries.
That’s conscious leadership.
Start with One Moment
Don’t try to master all 15 commitments tomorrow. Start smaller.
Think about one situation that reliably sends you into survival mode.
Then decide:
My trigger: What situation tends to pull me below the line?
My shift: What will I intentionally do differently?
My boundary: What limit will help me protect my energy and my peace?
Maybe your action this week is:
“When I am on call and frustrated, I’ll pause and ask one question out of curiosity before I react.”
That’s it. One moment. One intentional choice. And then another.
Because conscious leadership isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s about recognizing when you’ve slipped into survival mode and choosing to show up differently next time.
The job will still be a lot. The duty phone will still ring at 2 a.m. But you can learn to navigate those moments without losing yourself along the way.
And that’s the kind of leadership worth practicing.
Amanda Knerr (she/her) has spent nearly 30 years in housing and residence life—starting as a student staff member and now a senior housing officer. Amanda strives to bring passion, purpose, curiosity, and innovation to her work. A proud Wittenberg, Ball State, and Penn State grad, Amanda is known nationwide for her work with the curricular approach, student learning, and shaping strong teams. But her favorite part? Mentoring rising pros and helping students thrive.
