In this episode of Roompact’s RA*Chat, we sit down with Jose Rivera to break down how to distinguish typical roommate conflict from situations that require higher-level intervention. The conversation covers documentation best practices, referrals, collaboration with professional staff, and how to balance empathy with policy enforcement. Especially in complex, real-world situations, RAs like you face on the job.
Guest: Jose Rivera (he/him/his), Area Coordinator
Host: Anthony Martinez
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Transcript:
Anthony Martinez:
Welcome back to the podcast, everybody here at Roompact. I am Anthony Martinez, your host for today. And today, we are talking about one of the more challenging parts of the RA role, those moments when a situation feels bigger than a typical roommate conflict. This episode is called, When It’s More Than a Roommate Issue: Navigating Conflict Care and Crisis. And today, I am joined by Jose, and together we’re unpacking how RAs can recognize when something needs higher-level intervention, and how to document and refer appropriately, and how to balance empathy, policy, and care. Jose, do you want to introduce yourself or say something to our audience that is listening today?
Jose Rivera:
Yes. Hi, everyone. My name is Jose. Like Anthony mentioned, I am an area coordinator in California. I’m really excited to be here and to talk a little bit more about roommate conflicts and seeing what we can help you learn today.
Anthony Martinez:
Awesome. And so with that, we’re going to move into our first question, which is, when you think back on your experience, what is the difference between a typical roommate conflict and one that raises a red flag for you?
Jose Rivera:
Great question. I think this is one of the things that student leaders or resident assistants tend to have a little bit more of a challenging aspect with it.
For me, when I think about my experience with roommate conflicts, when I think about a typical thing, it tends to be a lot about noise. So a lot of elevated noise, somebody is making noise overnight, something where it disrupts sleep schedules. Another thing that we typically see tends to be guests. I know that every university does it a little bit differently, what their guest policy looks like, what permissions they need or if it’s more like you bring your guests and if it’s not a problem, nobody talks about it. But that’s another thing that people tend to talk about is guest policy or how many guest people are bringing.
Another thing, I would say mild or low cleanliness differences tend to be very typical. People come from different backgrounds, people come from different households. So, cleanliness and what people think as clean tends to be one of those things where people are like, oh, becomes a conflict later on when they meet people who aren’t at the same caliber as them. One of the other things that’s very typical is romantic partners overstaying their welcome. So people have this freedom, they’re like, “We want to have our partners stay over, we want to have them here.” And then they’re like, oh, this is the fifth night they’re staying over, which tends to be another one of those lower level ones.
And then the last one that I see often is very infrequent, keyword infrequent, food or basic needs item usage. So, sometimes a roommate buys some certain foods or items and then the other people in the apartment or in the dorm tends to take those belongings, but it’s very infrequent. However, once we notice a little bit more of the red flags, I would say going back to the basic or food needs items, it would be more of that frequent time. So, if you notice that a resident is complaining that the roommate is taking their food or their basic needs items a little bit more frequently than usual, even after bringing it up multiple times, that begins to bring a little bit more about a red flag, maybe towards insecurity about something.
Same individuals overseeing the guest policy. So again, what if somebody’s having some insecurity about housing or is having an issue with where they’re living and needs to have a little bit more of that further conversation? And then the last thing that I would say would raise a red flag for me is a little bit more of those mental health concerns and early symptoms of getting that person that support by showcasing what signs are showing, especially if somebody already has a documented case of a mental health concern that we want to bring up or just discuss to better support them.
Anthony Martinez:
I knew, I knew something and I knew you’d be good for this. You were hitting awesome things on food, basic needs, romantic partners staying over, cleanliness is such a huge topic that we’re talking about, sleep schedules, noise. You are hitting everything right on the dot and just talking about these red flags that are raised. And I think with that, it brings me into my next question, which those early signs, what they tell you is that this may be more than a roommate disagreement. And so with that, in these situations that you see, when RAs feel like they may not be prepared, how do you support RAs to release pressure and feeling as if they need to fix everything on their own?
Jose Rivera:
Yeah, I think that that’s one of the things that student leaders or RAs tend to have a lot of that kind of personal conflict with, which is, they sign up for a role in which they now have this sense of responsibility for everything that happens in their community. And I think that’s a very valid and also very responsible mindset to have. It showcases that they are really willing to support the residents, that they’re going above and beyond to support, and that they signed up for a role for a reason, and I think that in itself is really important. But we also want to make sure that students feel like they’re not the only ones that have to work on this. It leads to burnout, it leads to something in which now resident assistants are feeling like they have to be the sole reason as to why they have to fix something, and that’s not fair to them, it’s not for the residents either.
And to you students listening to this right now, that’s one of the things that we really want to emphasize, is that you are not the only one that has to fix something. Because we also want to think about your own well-being, but also what happens when you’re not there or what happens when you’re not available and those students are not dependent on you to support them? So, when it comes to professional staff supporting the student leaders or the RAs that are supporting in these sessions, it’s really important to just remind yourself that you are not the only one that has to support this. And while you supporting it is a big plus and a big benefit to your residents, it’s also really important to help them find those resources as to where to go if they need someone that’s not you. What other resources are available to them in the community, or what are the professional staff members that can also support, so that you’re also not taking that burden on yourself, so you’re not burning yourself out in the long run.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah, no, that’s perfect. I love that you’re talking about support, love that you’re addressing the burnout with RAs, and how they’re natural leaders and that’s why they signed up, but that there’s a ton of resources available to them, including their supervisors. So, that’s great.
I think with that, when these RAs are trying to fix these situations, that leads us into documentation when they’re handling them. And so, why is documentation, you think, especially important when conflict becomes a little bit more serious in some of these situations?
Jose Rivera:
I like to remind our student leaders that documentation is important for everything, not only because it showcases that precedent for future, current, a quicker response, it also allows us to be able to showcase to the resident that we’re dealing with or working with what has already been done, what support has already been provided, what we know about the situation. And even just letting our campus partners know, other stakeholders know. So, it’s really important for us to have that documentation to be able to really address the situation a lot quicker and a lot more effectively.
Another reason why it’s really important to have that documentation is because it helps us really discover a pattern. We have residents that have stayed with us from their first year all the way until they graduate from our school. And sometimes these patterns show every single year, show up every year with different roommates, with different communities. And having that documentation is important because when a community member or a professional staff member is working through a roommate conflict, they can easily see what has been done already in the past in another community that they probably were not aware of before. Or if our RA is working with these residents, it’s really easy to be able to see what might have worked in the past that can now work, whether it be different methods that were already used with a mediation, or if a living agreement was already filled out before and what worked out in that living agreement that they want to add for this living agreement for this year. So, that really helps out.
And then lastly, it’s really important to make sure that we have that documentation for legal protection in general. I think something that we always tell RAs is that their documentation can sometimes be used for legal processes in the future. And we never know when a roommate conflict might become more serious than just our department, it might go somewhere else. And having the documentation as to what the student leader already did and what our department did as a general to support those residents is really important, to make sure that we can move forward with, showcase any documentation they already have without having to solve the process any further.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah. You’re hitting on all of the points, yes. That is perfect, I think, for all of the RAs listening out there. If you’re listening for some good tips, which I might ask in a second too on that, definitely being aware that your documentation writing can and may be used in court as we’ve seen in certain situations and for a lot of, I know resident directors and coordinators who go on to get their masters in higher ed law, etc. So, important knowledge for you all to have and just be aware of.
But with that, seeing as you know so much, I would ask, Jose, what are some tips that you may have for documentation that would be helpful for these RAs when they’re stepping into these situations?
Jose Rivera:
Yeah. When it comes to documentation, I think it’s really important to make sure that you have a documented of all the tangible things that you already have. So, sometimes there are going to be moments where a roommate conflict has to deal with a lot of passive-aggressive notes. There’s going to be text messages. There’s going to be, different small items that are left around the apartment that a resident might see and capture, and those are the things that we want to make sure that we’re documenting to make sure that we’re seeing what is being said, what is being shared, who’s involved, what different things are being brought up in those conversations.
Another thing that you want to document are the roommate agreements or the living contracts that you’ve already done with your roommates to be able to talk about what’s already been agreed on. Those are really going to be really helpful because that’s another piece of documentation where you’re using those to mediate any conversations or conflicts that you have in the future. Because it really showcases what these individuals have already talked about wanting to agree to, and if somebody’s breaking that, that’s an easy document to have to be able to pull up and be like, “Hey, you agreed to this. This is what you said. How can we resolve that to make sure we’re going back to that?”
And then lastly, the last thing you really want to document that’s really important to do, is just anything that brings up the concern or any people involved. That really lets us be able to connect with those individuals and understand a little bit further about the conflict and be able to have the full picture, rather than just what one person is telling us and just skewing our perception. So, making sure you’re documenting all those tangible things to be able to have a better idea of what’s going on in this conflict.
Anthony Martinez:
I feel like you have some experience in this field with documentation and roommate conflicts, Jose.
Jose Rivera:
I mean, it’s one of those things, you know you’re living. Yeah, you’re living with these residents, so it happens.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes, exactly. It happens, and that’s why we have this podcast available to you all today, so, be sure to share. But these are situations that happen, and hopefully these tips help you all during the semester or summer or whenever you’re listening to this podcast.
With that, I do want to talk about after situations commonly happen, there’s sometimes some sort of follow up or having conversations with students, or it may be residents on their floor these RAs are having. So, what would you say for RAs to balance being empathetic but enforcing policy and setting boundaries during these roommate situations or conflicts that arise in the moment?
Jose Rivera:
Yeah. When it comes to being empathetic and enforcing policies, this is one of the tough ones that a lot of our RAs find themselves challenged by, because not only are you a leader in the community that you’re serving, you’re also a peer. You’re also someone that’s very close to them, but you’re someone that they see often. And a lot of times our RAs have very, very close relationships with our students that live with us, that it becomes a little bit difficult to blur that line between or establish and define that line between enforcing the policies and setting boundaries while also being empathetic, especially if the person bringing up to you this concern is someone who you probably interact with a lot more.
So, one of the things that our RAs can really do to balance that is making sure that you establish an understanding of the RA role. Make sure that your residents know from the start when you have those floor meetings or those community get-to-know me’s, letting them know what your roles as an RA is, who you are to support these residents. And making sure that they understand that you are meant to be a neutral kind of support for all of our residents that you’re living with and working with.
The other one is making sure that when you are having these conflict conversations, that you’re listening to both sides with equal intent and attention, and making sure that you let them know that the purpose of those meetings is not to take a side, but to make sure that you are able to understand what’s going on and be able to really understand how to better move forward. Remembering and reminding residents that facts are important. So, making sure that they share with you what’s going on and as they happened, to make sure that they’re able to really give a really clear view as to what has happened, rather than allowing them to blur the image by focusing too much on how they felt and not what really happened. Because sometimes our emotions get our best of us and we’re human, and it happens. I mean, we want to make sure that we’re still paying attention to their feelings and their emotions, but still also understanding what happened with the facts, because somebody might have interpreted something a little bit differently than then causes an even deeper conflict.
Again, you want to make sure that you’re not straying too far from the neutrality of it. You want to make sure that you’re supporting a resident not only because of the fact that it’s the nice thing to do and making sure that you’re supporting your resident, but also for legal purposes, as we said in documentation earlier. We want to make sure that our residents don’t feel like they’re being treated differently, because then if a resident is saying that they’ve been treated differently, then that brings in more of a conversation about ethics and more of a conversation about students not feeling or being treated equally or equitably in their situation.
And then the last thing that’s always important that you will hear a professional staff member say is, do not make promises. Don’t make promises about anything that’s going to happen. You don’t know where it’s going to happen. Sometimes students and the RAs don’t know what’s already been done before, which then sometimes can change the outcome of something. So, you don’t want to make any promises that you can’t keep because then residents lose trust in the student leader, in the department as a general. So, you want to make sure that you are staying to what you can and what, and not promising anything that you don’t even know if it’s a guarantee or that can happen. So, making sure that you do those things to balance being empathetic while still enforcing the policy and setting boundaries as well.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah. No, that was perfect. Yes, don’t make promises. That is huge. You can provide some reassurance, but the promises we definitely want to avoid. So, thank you for that.
And that brings us to one of our wrap-up questions, which is for the RAs listening right now, what’s one small action you think RAs can take to feel prepared when situations maybe move beyond a roommate conflict?
Jose Rivera:
I would say one of the things that I always tell the student, the RAs that I work with is, rely on your professional staff members. I think that that’s one of the things that is always overly said, and I know that a lot of our listeners right now, I don’t know if you rolled your eyes at me right now for saying that, because I know you probably hear that on your own community teams.
Anthony Martinez:
All Ras.
Jose Rivera:
But yeah, but it’s one of those things where we always tell our RAs that I work with where I’m like, “Hey, our professional staff members are there for a reason and they have the training and the experience for a reason. To be able to support the RAs to get through these different conversations or these different escalations, of course.” And it’s really important that if at any point you’re feeling challenged or you’re feeling like you don’t know what’s going to happen next, that you really focus on getting that support or asking any questions that you can to your professional staff members to be able to get that answer without wanting to assume anything or sticking through that feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen next. It’s always better to ask questions rather than just not knowing anything, because then that becomes a bigger problem, where now you’re focusing or worried about something that you don’t have control over, and that’s important.
And then lastly, always, always, always go back to what you learned during training. You went through a training for a reason, and that’s something that is always going to be valuable information to fall back on and really think about. And understand what that training shared with you, what was relayed to you, and how to move forward.
And I think the last thing that is really important when it comes to how to move forward in these processes is, connect with your team. See what resources they have or what your peers have done in the past with different roommate conflicts that they’ve had and how they moved forward. Your staff members that you work with, the other student leaders and the other RAs that you work with have valuable knowledge that you can also take on, that you can also learn from. And those items in general, the things that I just shared, would really help you with making sure that you’re moving forward with making sure that you are providing the best support you can for your residents, but also to yourself. Those are the pieces of advice that I would have for any RAs listening to this conversation.
Anthony Martinez:
Wow, that was perfect. Thank you. Thank you, Jose. I think finally, if you have any final words, but also, how can students listening and people listening connect with you after the podcast ends?
Jose Rivera:
Yeah, of course. Final words for anything roommate conflict or anything, I would say, it’s okay to be nervous when you have your first roommate conflict. Everyone is going to experience navigating these conversations differently. I think that when you have your first roommate conflict and to ease it, when I had my first roommate conflict that had to mediate, it was scary. It was something that I was not ready to be prepared for. Being a part of conversation that has nothing to do with you, that then you have to see it go through and also support the mediation, it’s difficult, it’s challenging. You want to involve yourself in a way that you can support, but you also want to make sure that the residents know how to mediate on their own because that’s a life skill that they’re going to be using after they move out from the residence halls. They’re going to be able to navigate those conflicts with anyone that they live with even after working or living with you.
So, I would say it’s okay to be nervous, it’s okay to go into those conversations scared. But also know that you were chosen for a reason, you have a support system for a reason, and you can always relay back to your professional staff members, your community team, and work with them to be able to provide the best support possible.
And if at any point in this conversation you felt inspired to want to connect with me or you want to learn a little bit more as to what the work that I do or anything that you felt like you want to learn more about, feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn. You can easily find me using my name or even my link. It should be JoseRivera9697 on LinkedIn, and you should be able to find me there easily. And I look forward to connecting with you and can’t wait to see the leaders that you’re all going to be in our society one day.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes. Thank you, Jose. That was perfect. Thank you so much again for sharing your knowledge and your insights today, we appreciate it here at Roompact. And to our RAs listening, remember, asking for help is a strength. It’s part of doing the job well and caring for your residents and caring for yourself. And so, thank you again for listening to us here at Roompact. We’ll see you next time.
