A tale as old as time! A supervisor asks, “How do you like to receive feedback?” and the supervisee confidently replies, “I prefer direct feedback.” Time passes, the supervisor provides that direct feedback, and suddenly, the supervisee is shocked, defensive, and hurt. Everyone leaves the conversation feeling a little worse for wear.
Feedback is one of the most common sources of tension in our professional relationships, especially in residence life, where we’re constantly coaching, supervising, and supporting others. It’s part of our daily work, yet it remains one of the most emotionally charged areas of our jobs.
For as long as I can remember, I thought being “good” at something (school, my job, extracurriculars, anything) meant being perfect. If I got feedback, it meant I had done something wrong, and that idea was deeply unsettling. I tried to avoid critical feedback at all costs, because hearing it felt like confirmation that I was a bad person. Over time, though, I’ve learned that feedback isn’t a punishment, but rather, a reflection of being human, a part of life.
Still, even with that awareness, feedback can hit differently depending on our history, identities, and emotional states. Understanding our personal feedback patterns is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and our teams. So let’s slow down and unpack what’s really happening here. What does feedback mean to us? How do our experiences shape our reactions? And how can we create healthier workplace relationships by spending more time reflecting on our feedback patterns?
Take some time to move through these prompts alone or with your team. They can help you get clearer on your natural responses and how to work with them instead of against them.
- I know I’m about to receive feedback when I hear/see…
Think about phrases, tones of voice, body language, or facial expressions that signal feedback is coming. - When I notice these things, I start to feel…
Identify emotions and physical sensations. Maybe your chest tightens, your brain races, or you start rehearsing your defense. - I think this pattern of feeling is because…
Reflect on previous experiences, learned behaviors, or aspects of your identity that have shaped how you receive feedback. - When someone is giving me feedback in the moment, I tend to…
Do you explain, withdraw, get defensive, shut down, ask clarifying questions, or nod along while spiraling internally? - Sometimes when I receive feedback, I start to think…
Notice the stories you tell yourself. “I’m failing,” “They hate me,” or “I’m a bad person.” - When I get critical feedback, I need to remind myself that…
Create an affirmation: “Growth is uncomfortable.” “I can hear this and still be okay.” “I am safe.” - I also need to remind myself that feedback is…
Consider its purpose. To support growth? Improve communication? Strengthen a relationship? - A time I received feedback well was…because…
What was it about the person, space, or mindset you were in to receive the feedback well? - When I receive particularly difficult feedback, I know that afterward I need to…
What do you need to care for yourself in the short and long term? Journaling? Walking? Debriefing? Maybe you want to process with someone right away, or maybe you want to give yourself space from it and come back to it tomorrow. - If I ever need to vent, I know I can reach out to…
Who can you process with safely? What makes them a good support for you?
Feedback will always be a part of our work in residence life, from coaching RAs to working with campus partners to receiving evaluations ourselves. The more we understand our personal reactions and preferences, the more we can approach feedback conversations with empathy, self-awareness, and growth in mind. The best supervisors, colleagues, and student leaders I’ve worked with aren’t the ones who love feedback, but the ones who know themselves and practice responding to it thoughtfully.
As you move forward, consider the following reflections:
- How do you create opportunities to receive feedback?
- How do you truly prefer to receive feedback?
- How can you manage when you receive feedback in a way you do not prefer?
- In what ways do you show others that you’re open to feedback?
- When has your feedback style or preference clashed with someone else’s? What did you learn from that?
- How might you continue reflecting on feedback styles?
