Have you heard of the yes-no-yes sandwich? What about using I statements during difficult conversations? How about the phrase, “Praise in Public, Punish in Private?” I suspect your answer to one or all of these questions is yes as they all related to a popular topic for Residence Life Professionals—feedback. However, have you noticed that these examples—and many others—center on how to give feedback and not on how to receive it? Why do you think that is? From my observations, it reflects a perception that as we move up the ranks, our need and desire for feedback diminishes. If we, the feedback givers, are rarely getting feedback, then are we really thinking about the skills and tactics to employ when it’s our turn to hear how we are doing? In this blog post I offer 3 strategies on how to be an effective receiver and even solicitor of feedback.
Normalize Feedback as Dialogue
In my experience, most feedback streams begin when staff fail to meet expectations or when managers are asked to conduct performance reviews (typically once a year). In either case, the feedback exchange is likely targeted in one direction—from supervisor to staff—and the conversation centers on notating the staff member’s performance over a period of time and establishing goal posts for increased performance going forward.
While this approach may help staff understand how they are doing and how they can perform better within their role, it actually shortchanges both the employee and the manager with regard to evaluating how the working relationship between both parties is going and if anything needs to be revisited to get better results on both ends.
In my earlier years as a supervisor, I would always close bi-annual evaluation meetings by asking staff how I could better support them and if there is anything I could do differently. What stumped me is I could never get an answer even when I followed up a bit later to see if anything had come to mind. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was positioning feedback in a way that was inorganic, intimidating, and risky. Think about it, if you know you have to speak to your supervisor because you have missed the mark or because it is time for your formal review, do you really feel welcome and safe to speak about how they can be serving you better?
Here is how I turned that around. Instead of waiting until moments in which I was expected to provide feedback, I moved this reflective question into my regular 1:1s that I would ask every 1-3 months. I would also be intentional about where I would meet with my staff (office, coffee shop, a place of their choosing) and what I was communicating with my body (where I sat, how I sat, how I engaged) to create a sense of comfort and normalcy about the lines of reflective questions I wanted to pose.
What did I see? Over time, my staff came to view this reflection as normal and they would be honest and vulnerable about how I was doing and how I could support them. I also found that they opened up more about how they were doing—both personally and professionally—and it allowed me opportunities to support them holistically be it for a work problem, a personal goal, or just a general life situation. To my surprise, I also got more comfortable giving tough feedback because a stronger relationship had been built by taking into consideration when, how, and where I was engaging in feedback.
To receive feedback, you first have to ask for it. And by asking for it, we communicate that we care and that we are willing to listen and grow which are the foundations for a highly effective team.
Choose Curiosity over Comfort
For those of us who receive feedback on an infrequent basis, our natural inclination (whether we realize or not) may be to go on the defense—explaining our intent, challenging what was said, getting noticeably upset or uncomfortable, etc. When we do this, (which are all natural responses by the way!) we send a message that we actually dont want the feedback or we are unable take it constructively. This negative cue will eventually lead others to perceive you as someone who is not worth giving feedback to which only hurts you in the end.
So how do we manage this natural response? First, regardless of our best intentions, understand that some things will “miss” and that does not make us bad or inadequate at our job—rather our ability to acknowledge our impact and making strides toward improving will speak more loudly than any failed attempt. Second, if we feel ourselves getting uncomfortable and going on the defense in the midst of feedback conversations, then take a beat to get back to equilibrium. For some, that could look like asking for a minute to think, for others, it could be a request to circle back to the conversation at another time to process what was shared, or it could be a verbal acknowledgement that the conversation is tough and you wish to try your best to respond. Whatever it is, our behavior in the midst of receiving feedback says a lot about us and can mean the difference in a team that trusts your or one that keeps you at arms length. While being comfortable is ideal, sometimes our growth comes from moments when we are the most challenged. With that in mind, also remind yourself that someone sharing feedback with you does not mean their intent is to harm, hurt, or hinder, rather it is likely an effort to get to a better place for all parties.
The best tool I have used when I am hearing tough feedback is curiosity. Asking someone to elaborate does wonders as it not only signals to the person that you would like to understand and hear more, but it allows you to hear more information and context while keeping the role of speaking off of you while you make sense of it all. Often times, the initial presentation of the feedback or the anticipation of it has been worse than the dialogue that ensued from asking to understand more.
Let the Spaghetti Stick
The most important aspect of receiving feedback is what you do with it. This is what separates good leaders from bad leaders as you demonstrate, through action or lack thereof, if the thoughts and feelings of others matters to you. It is not enough to acknowledge the feedback, you have to commit to doing things different going forward and following through. In instances when what is wanted from us is not as easy as it sounds, be clear about that and invite others to help create a feasible solution. Provide clarity on when and where changes will be implemented so your team has realistic expectations. Check in with others who have given you feedback to see if things have improved or if further adjustments are needed.
Depending on how the feedback was provided (one-on-one, group, etc), where you follow up may look different. But I have found these spaces to be the most productive for closing the loop.
- One-on-one meetings (feedback given by one member of your team)
- Team meetings (feedback given by multiple members of your staff)
- Department Retreats/Meetings (feedback given by members across reporting lines)
Closing
Feedback is easier to give than receive. However, if we truly want the best for our team and the best for ourselves, we should get in the habit of seeing how things are going on a regular basis. You might be surprised on what you learn, and it may even sting a little, but being in the know of what is going on will keep you from guessing on what the best next steps might be. I found this graphic to be a nice reminder on the steps on the feedback process, I hope you will too.
