One of the most interesting lessons I have learned in seven years of residence life work is that helping someone does not always mean solving their problem.
That can be a difficult idea to reconcile with student affairs work. We are deeply committed to serving students. We want them to feel heard, supported, and cared for. We want to respond when something is not working. So when a student comes to us with a problem, our instinct is often to find a solution. But what happens when there isn’t one?
I’ve occasionally heard some version of this from students: “My RA didn’t help me. Housing didn’t help me. We just talked and talked, but they didn’t fix it.” When you bring a problem to a professional, it is reasonable to expect them to do something. But “something” does not always mean producing the outcome you wanted. Sometimes, the help is the conversation.
At my institution, Housing and Residence Life operates under one umbrella. As functional areas, Residential Living, Residential Services, Housing Assignments, and Custodial work closely together on things like room changes. We do not offer elective moves. Students must meet established criteria, and – depending on the circumstances – may need to talk with housing staff, complete and/or revisit a roommate agreement, and/or participate in conflict mediation. The intent is not to make life difficult for students. Moving someone from one room to another takes considerable coordination, and a new assignment does not guarantee that the challenges of the previous one will disappear. We have to recognize that not every difficult living situation can, or should, be resolved through relocation.
We talk a lot about compromise in conflict mediation. Seeking compromise over competition or avoidance is important, but I think we sometimes unintentionally teach compromise as though it means, “We both get what we want.” That isn’t always possible. Sometimes a policy cannot be negotiated. Sometimes the resources available do not include the solution a student wants. Sometimes moving forward means having a difficult conversation they would rather avoid. In those moments, our role may simply be to sit with the student in the lack of a solution. That can sound like: “I hear that this is uncomfortable. I understand why you want a different outcome. Here are the options available to you. Let’s talk about what you can do from here.” That is still support. In fact, I think it can be some of the most developmental support we provide.
To be clear, I am not advocating for leaving students in dangerous situations, mishandling reports of misconduct, or withholding resources. But what I’m trying to say is that when a student is safe, has been heard, and has exhausted the reasonable options available to them, some discomfort can be part of the learning.
Many of our students are entering adulthood after years of structured educational environments. They may have had teachers, counselors, coaches, and families who helped identify problems, advocate on their behalf, and find solutions. College is a different environment. Part of our work is helping students learn how to navigate systems, advocate for themselves, understand boundaries, and sit with outcomes they may not have chosen. That does not mean we should dismiss concerns or hide behind policy. Policies are not perfect, processes are not always
equitable, and sometimes we need to question whether the systems we have built are actually serving students. Student advocacy remains essential, but it does not always result in accommodation. Sometimes the most honest and supportive thing we can say is, “I don’t have the solution you want, but I can help you figure out what you can do from here.” That is not a failure of student service. It is an opportunity for student development.
Perhaps one of the most valuable things we can teach students is that adulthood will inevitably include problems that cannot be solved exactly as we would like. Learning to navigate those moments with support, agency, and a willingness to advocate for ourselves is a lesson that extends far beyond our residence halls. Isn’t that part of our ultimate goal? It certainly is mine!
So perhaps, in residence life, we should become a little more comfortable sitting in the “lack of solution” together. Sometimes, that discomfort is the curriculum.
