In this episode of Roompact’s RA*Chat, we discuss the unique challenge that comes with the RA and student staff role: balancing being a community leader while still being a college student yourself. From navigating friendships with residents, to handling uncomfortable social situations, and from maintaining professional boundaries, to protecting your own well-being in the student staff role. Whether you’re struggling with saying “no,” figuring out how close is too close, or trying to maintain a healthy social life while on staff, this episode offers honest advice and practical strategies for maintaining balance in the residence halls.
Guest: Tyler Cooper, MSW (she/her), Residence Life Coordinator, University of South Carolina
Host: Anthony Martinez
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Transcript:
Anthony Martinez:
Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Roompact Podcast, your go-to space for all things residence life. This is a special RA 360 episode.
Today’s episode is one I think almost every RA thinks about at some point in time, even if we don’t say it out loud. Being an RA can sometimes feel like you’re living in two different worlds. You’re a student, you’re trying to enjoy college, make friends, have a social life, but you’re also in a leadership role and you have to uphold policies on your floor. So today we’re talking about the RA social life dilemma, how RAs can navigate friendships, boundaries, and awkward situations. And maintain professionalism while still being authentic.
And I am joined today by Residence Life Coordinator Tyler Cooper, who’s closely worked with student staff and has seen firsthand how RAs have navigated these situations.
Tyler, if you can go ahead and introduce yourself to me and let me know how long you’ve been working in housing.
Tyler Cooper:
Hi everyone. My name is Tyler Cooper. I’m a resident life coordinator at the University of South Carolina. I’ve been a coordinator in general for about three years. And I actually was a RA my undergrad year at Fulton Montgomery Community College. My role involves supporting student staff and residents and managing community concerns, facility concerns within the resident hall that I work in. So yeah, I’m glad to be here. I’m ready to start this podcast with you all. I do want to preference that I’m here, but I’m not here on the behalf of my university.
Anthony Martinez:
Perfect. Thank you, Tyler. And I’m so excited to talk with you today. Again, you’re recommended to me, and we’re going to go on ahead and step right in with our first question. So what’s something you wish more RAs understood about balancing the role within college life?
Tyler Cooper:
I wish RAs understood more that you don’t have to be available 24/7. Being an effective RA doesn’t mean that you always have to be there for your residents. It’s learning how to manage your time and set healthy boundaries and prioritize your academics.
Anthony Martinez:
No, for sure. I think oftentimes our RAs are like, I need to solve everything. But there are resources available to our students across many institutions on figuring out when they can pass off some information and get someone who’s maybe on call or on duty at their respective institution.
Tyler Cooper:
Right, right. And it’s like understanding that you may have those situations that you get caught up in.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes.
Tyler Cooper:
But learning how to call the person on duty, learning how to direct this situation to somebody else. Of course, if you see something, say something. Don’t just bypass a resident. But also maintaining that boundary saying, okay, this is too much for me and I’m not on duty right now. Let me direct this to someone who can help.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes. No, I couldn’t agree more. And this kind of leads us into our second question, which is, what’s one word you’d use to describe the RA experience socially on their floors?
Tyler Cooper:
I would say overall transformative. It definitely changes how RAs interact with students, especially their other staff members as well. And in that process, they’re developing critical thinking skills, leadership skills, building relationships within their community. It’s so much building and learning and skill sets within that part.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah. And then do you think that being an RA changes their college experience socially?
Tyler Cooper:
Yes, for sure. I believe it makes you more visible on campus.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah.
Tyler Cooper:
So speaking from experience, like I stated, I was a RA a while ago. I was a RA at a small community college, and actually I’m from New York. So this community college was maybe three, four hours away from the actual city where a lot of the students were from. So a lot of the students that stayed on campus knew the RAs and knew me. So they would direct different concerns to me, academic concerns, club concerns. I’m like, “Wait, hold on. This is not what I was applying for at first. But I’m glad that you see me as a source for you.” But it definitely makes you that visible person on campus to be like, okay, I can refer to them if I need help.
Anthony Martinez:
No, agreed. Yeah. A lot of RAs, I don’t think, recognize that they are going to be seen as that resource. And so that’s something to keep in mind when building relationships with your residents is yes, you are a student. But also you are deemed now a resource that individuals will come up to and talk to you. And so with that, where should RAs draw this line socially when they’re out and about, like you mentioned, trying to enjoy their day and they’re like, “Oh, hey, wait, can you answer this question for me?”
Tyler Cooper:
I would always say baseline, be friendly, be supportive. But also understand when and where you’re answering these questions, how they can compromise the fairness. And how it can compromise the actual information that you are giving out to the student.
It’s okay to tell a student, “Hey, I don’t think this is the appropriate place for me to answer this question. Let me get back to my supervisor and have my supervisor reach out to you.”
Or if it’s a quick thing like, “Oh, I’m having mental health concerns,” I could definitely have my supervisor reach out to you, but also here’s a resource for campus wellness and counseling. Those are normally things that RAs could shoot and spit out quickly. But overall, just maintaining that supportive relationship, but also knowing that it is a barrier when it comes to confidentiality. And that barrier may be challenged when students are asking you these questions in certain places.
Anthony Martinez:
No, yeah. I think you bring up a great point of knowing your environment too. Like you mentioned, oh, maybe now it’s not the time and place where we’re talking about this sensitive topic, but let me get back to you. And then that follow-up is important too. So I enjoyed that you talk about that.
Tyler Cooper:
Yes, definitely the follow-up I believe builds the relationship. The follow-up builds the trust as well. Because a lot of students are so used to being forgotten about when coming to college and being at a big university or even a small university. You may be the minority on your campus. And that plays a lot into your experience on campus. When the follow-up happens, it shows a student like, “Wow, I am cared about. Someone cares about me.”
Anthony Martinez:
No, agreed. Agreed. No, thank you, Tyler.
I’m going to go into my next question is what are signs that a relationship, like you mentioned, maybe becoming too personal or inappropriate in certain aspects? And so we have the RA, they’re doing their little thing. They’re getting into conversations where they’re like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, maybe this is too personal,” or the student is saying something, they’re feeling comfortable, and they’re saying something inappropriate. And so what are those signs? And what does that look like for the RA to navigate?
Tyler Cooper:
I would definitely say when students start sharing … Well, this one I would take with a grain of salt. Students sharing confidential information. Students can share confidential information. But it gets to a point whether they’re looking for advice or whether it’s gossip. So I think RAs need to distinguish that.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah.
Tyler Cooper:
If a student is looking for guidance and say, “Hey, I need your help with this, that, and third.” Or if a student’s saying, “Hey girl, let me tell you about what happened and who is messing with this person.” It’s like, “Okay, slow down.” So definitely sharing confidential information.
I would also say spending … This is also something that is also take with a grain of salt. Spending significantly more time with other residents or a group of residents or one resident more than the other. That shows some type of favoritism. And definitely when you start feeling uncomfortable with documenting certain residents, I take that, especially as a supervisor, as a red flag. Because why are you feeling uncomfortable with documenting this student, but you’re not uncomfortable with documenting this student? Let’s deep dive into this relationship that you have with this student.
Anthony Martinez:
Right.
Tyler Cooper:
And lastly, I would say prioritizing friendships over professional responsibilities. So say if you’re going in to do a room check and you’re cool with one of your residents and you see your resident has policy violations like alcohol. But you decide not to report it because you’re “cool” with this resident. So I think those are some that RAs need to be mindful of.
Anthony Martinez:
No, I love this, especially talking about gossip versus information. It’s like, oh, whoa, that’s a great way to navigate those conversations.
Tyler Cooper:
And even as a professional staff, it’s been moments where I had to stop my RAs and stop residents like, “I know you feel comfortable with me. And I’m glad that you feel this comfortable with me. But I’m not your peer.” And then on top of that, I am a mandated reporter. So be mindful of what you’re saying to me right now because we can have a genuine conversation. But at the end of the day, I still have responsibilities to uphold.
Anthony Martinez:
And then for the RAs listening, knowing, maybe not participating in that gossip either like, “Oh, well, did you know?” Violating that resident privacy of if residents are informing you of something, navigating that. And going back to what you said about the professional responsibility and overall accountability, how comfortable are you feeling in holding your residents accountable if you’re having that issue where you don’t feel comfortable? Like you said, maybe have a conversation with your supervisor. So that’s great. No, I appreciate that.
Tyler Cooper:
And then always also, I know a lot of the times RAs definitely have concerns with approaching roommate conflict. So when you’re in a situation where a student tends to gossip to you about their roommate, learning how to redirect. I think that’s very important as a RA, learning how to professionally redirect. So if someone is coming up to you complaining about their roommate, “Oh, she and he is so dirty and they’re doing this and they’re doing that.” Be like, “Okay, well, did you tell them? Did you have a conversation with them?” Making sure that student has an understanding like, okay, this is someone I am comfortable with, but they do have a duty. They’re still a RA.
Anthony Martinez:
No, agree. Agreed. With that, wrapping up a friendship with residents portion of this podcast is how can RAs still be approachable and relatable without crossing boundaries?
Tyler Cooper:
I always say be authentic. Put yourself out there. At the end of the day, you’re still a resident, so attend those community events and have those conversations and show that you’re genuine. And that you’re interested in their experience.
But on the flip side, understanding that there is a line that can’t be crossed when it comes to having those conversations. So yes, I think that’s most of it. It’s basically the key of being friendly without trying to become everyone’s best friend. I think you have to be content in yourself definitely when becoming a RA and being with these residents and around them. Sometimes you may run into situations with a lot of people that become RAs and that they’re not content in their self. So they have to put their self out there more and feel like they have to be more friendly and be like, okay, I’ll let this slide in order for this student to like me more. So yeah.
Anthony Martinez:
No, agreed. And then for the resident assistance listening, if you have that issue, definitely reach out to your supervisor to figure out how can I navigate this if I am feeling like, oh, I need to let these residents slide to get them on my good side. Because there are so many ways to build rapport with people on your floor.
Tyler Cooper:
Yes.
Anthony Martinez:
And then Tyler, I want to go back to what you mentioned a little bit on redirecting conversations. And so how can RAs redirect conversations professionally without shutting residents down emotionally? Or if they’re just saying something where they’re like, “Whoa,” so what does that redirection look like?
Tyler Cooper:
It depends on the scenario. It depends on what is presented to you. So I would definitely say it is something that you have to master. Learning the mastering of redirection. I always feel like asking those open-ended questions. So how did that make you feel? So what are you doing to help with this current situation that you’re in? Did you go get services? Do you know … Have you reported this to the person on duty? If you’re an RA that’s not on duty. Okay, well let’s see how can we go about this to get you more help with someone that’s on duty. Because like I said, I know you feel comfortable with me, but the person on duty can help you more than I can help you at this point. Because if this is something serious that needs to be escalated, they have the resources on duty to escalate that.
So there’s certain ways that you can redirect it, but it all depends on the situation and the scenario.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes, definitely being able to assess. And then it really sounds like, again, for the RAs listening, just ensuring residents are getting to those resources, we’re providing them those resources. And again, working with your supervisor, your institution, your on-call process will help you substantially at the end of the day.
And then I want to ask, what do you think is the balance between being supportive and becoming someone’s sole emotional outlet? So the resident’s sole emotional outlet, but they still want to be there for their residents.
Tyler Cooper:
I think the balance is, like I stated before, being secure in yourself. And then also knowing that you have a wellbeing within yourself that you have to take care of. You cannot take care of yourself when you’re taking on someone else’s … Not trauma. But someone else’s low.
As a supervisor, I like to tell my RAs, self-care … I have one-on-ones with my RAs biweekly. And before we get into any specifics about programs and one-on-ones with insignificant interactions, I ask them, “How are you doing with self-care? Okay. Are you not caring for yourself, but you’re caring for these residents? Thank you for caring for the residents. I appreciate your work. But I need you to care for yourself as well.”
And also being that outlet for the RAs. Because as a supervisor, the RAs need an outlet just like the residents need the RAs. So establishing that boundary of support with your supervisor as well. I think that’s important. Because that relationship with your supervisor will shape how you are as a leader, shape how you present yourself to the world. If you don’t have a supportive supervisor. Or if you do have a supportive supervisor, but your supervisor doesn’t know how to support you properly because you haven’t advocated for yourself, it can reflect on how you present within interactions with residents.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah, no, agreed. So definitely reaching out to your supervisor if you need that for our RAs listening. That is a huge point. And again, that is what a lot of us are there for, is to support you and your time at the institution.
Another question I would love to ask you, Tyler, is what’s something you wish more RAs gave themselves permission to do socially or personally with their residents and being on their floor at their respective institutions?
Tyler Cooper:
I would say building those relationships outside of the residence hall appropriately.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes.
Tyler Cooper:
I want to preference appropriately.
Anthony Martinez:
Yes. Yes.
Tyler Cooper:
Appropriately. So it’s okay to ask your students, “Hey, do you want to go to the cafeteria with me?” I had an RA that would do dinner with his residents. On the supervisor to RA level, I had my RAs choose at some point when I was at a different institution. Where would they like their one-on-ones? Do you want to go to Starbucks? Do you want to take a lap around campus? Are you okay in my office? Do you want me to come to you during your desk shift?
So being able to maneuver around with the residents appropriately. It’s okay to say, hey, I know this student. We bond over Starbucks. Let me knock on her door and say, “Hey, let’s go to Starbucks together.” Let’s sit outside. We have lawn chairs outside. We have hammocks. Let’s go and hang out. Appropriately. I want to preference that again. So, yeah.
Anthony Martinez:
No, I love that. Yes, build those relationships outside of the hall. But like you had mentioned, appropriately. So finding those activities you can do together on campus, even off campus, go to a coffee shop. I am in Austin, Texas, and so there’s a ton of coffee shops off campus that I know residents go to with their RAs. So keeping it within that bounds. Try to know the people that are on your floor with, like you said, things that may be authentic to you if you like coffee or if you like working out, et cetera.
Tyler Cooper:
And I will also say, and I’m taking this from my experience at the last institution. Use those moments … Hear me out. Use those moments of distress as moments to bond. And what I mean by that is a little example that I have is at my previous institution, we lost power due to a rainstorm. I had one RA come down to the lobby, bring down board games. And had his residents from different floors come down, and they had board games. And they had their little flashlights in the lobby. And I was in the apartment and I was like, “What is all that noise?” So I opened the apartment door. They was like, “Ms. Tyler, we’re just out here playing board games.” I was like, “Okay, nice.”
Anthony Martinez:
I love that.
Tyler Cooper:
I’m telling you those moments of campus distress sometimes, like power outages to come together. You never know. Someone’s probably scared of the dark. So just making sure that everybody’s okay or just knocking on everyone’s door and being, “Hey, are you okay? I’m doing a round. Would you like to come with me to do a round? And let’s chat for a bit.” I’ll also say especially target those residents that you don’t see coming out their room a lot as well.
Anthony Martinez:
No, definitely. Yes. Yes. Thank you, Tyler.
Tyler Cooper:
Sure.
Anthony Martinez:
We’re coming close to an end. And so with that, I wanted to ask you to begin to wrap us up. What’s one boundary you think every RA should establish with their residents early on?
Tyler Cooper:
I think that RAs should definitely balance the time management. When it comes to residents, they think just because you’re their RA on the floor, like I said earlier, that you’re available 24/7. And I think as housing professionals, we try to push to RAs. You don’t have to be present 24/7. And they kind of feel conflicted because it’s like, okay, you tell me I don’t have to be here 24/7, but then I have the student that’s always reaching out to me.
So letting students know that you are their assigned RA, and you’re here to make sure their experience is the greatest experience that they have in the residence hall. Whether it’s a first year or returning residence hall. But you are a student at the end of the day. And I like to tell RAs to emphasize that because when going into these positions, whether it is the RA role or a professional role, like a resident life coordinator where you live where you work, a lot of students don’t believe that you are a student.
I had a lot of students and parents come up to me and say, “Oh, well, my RA is not available. My RA is always out.” I said, “Well, did you ever notice that your RA is a student as well?” Especially with parents as well. So just letting your students know and having them communicate that to their parents. You are an undergraduate student trying to make it through just like they’re making it through as well. The only difference is that you have a leadership position.
So just making sure that students are aware of that. And also redirecting at certain times. I know I tell my students 9:00 to 5:00, I’m not going to tell you to assist a student. If you want to assist a student, that is totally fine. I’m not forcing you to do that. But you have the option to send them down to my office. You have the option to have them reach out to me via phone or email during those hours. Because technically I’m in office during that time and I’m here to support everybody.
So making sure that … And it varies from institutions. So making sure you explain that to residents. I’m available, but I’m not always available. I have a life as well. That’s why we had the duty phone number posted. Make sure you call that duty phone, make sure that person can help you. But I’m here to make sure your experience is great. And I like for RAs to also know that all RAs are helping in the building. You are not just helping with your floor and the other RA is not just helping with their side of the floor. You guys should be piggybacking off of each other.
And everybody should … Going back to what I said earlier, if you see something, say something. Just because that’s not your resident doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t report anything. So making sure you guys have each other’s backs as well. I think that’s very important to make sure you have that team built and that bonding together. Because that’s the support that you would need as well during your time being a RA.
Anthony Martinez:
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Tyler.
With that, do you have any final words, Tyler? Or how can people reach you after this podcast, LinkedIn, Instagram, et cetera?
Tyler Cooper:
Of course. So I don’t have anything else. I would just say for upcoming RAs that are new to the position, I know it’s tough. I know that it may seem difficult at times, and there may be situations that you are not used to dealing with. But don’t be hard on yourself.
And returning RAs, don’t be hard on yourself either. I know returning RAs have the job of not only being an RA, but also being the RA that new RAs rely on. So having those two jobs and juggling it, it can be a lot.
I am a social worker. I do have my master’s in social work. And I always pride everybody in saying take that self-care day, prioritize self-care. Let your supervisor know. Don’t just take this self-care day. Obviously let your supervisor know. But be open with your supervisor, be honest with your supervisor, be honest with your experience as a RA. Because that’s how institutions can make this position better for you and upcoming RAs as well.
Anthony Martinez:
Awesome.
Tyler Cooper:
To reach me, you can reach me on LinkedIn, Tyler Cooper. And by email at ttcooper@mailbox.sc.edu.
Anthony Martinez:
Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Tyler. Thank you for being a guest on the Roompact Podcast today.
Again, this has been a really important conversation because the social side of being an RA is something that people don’t always prepare you for. But as we mentioned today, it affects your experience, your wellbeing, and your relationships. And to everyone listening, all the RAs, anyone else, remember that being approachable does not mean sacrificing your own boundaries. As we learned today, you can always care deeply about your residents. Be friendly, be supportive, appropriate, and still protect your own wellbeing and your own time.
Thanks again for tuning in to the Roompact Podcast, and we’ll see you next time here on the RA 360 episode.
