You say you’re just being supportive. Available. Helpful. You tell yourself it’s what good leaders do. But when you zoom in, your staff treats GroupMe like a lifeline, you check your email like its social media, you’re one RA’s missed deadline away from crashing out. This blog post is for the supervisors who feel themselves rescuing, over-extending, and acting as if being everything to everyone is in their job description. It’s time to take a hard look at the approaches that keep you burnt out.
“They can come to me for anything, anytime.”
Translation: I don’t have boundaries, and I’m not teaching them either.
Open-door policies sound nice until they become 24/7 emergency hotlines. Constant availability models a work culture where rest is optional and burnout is expected. Instead, communicate when and how you’re available, and what to do when you’re offline and out of office.
“They are going through so much. I’m not going to hold them accountable, because they have too much on their plate already. ”
Translation: I’ve convinced myself that accountability is cruelty.
Yes, student life is hard. And yes, sometimes grace is needed. However, you can’t protect RAs from burnout by avoiding hard conversations. What you can do is teach sustainable habits and real world decision-making. You can say, “I get why you missed the deadline,” and still acknowledge the negative impact. Compassion and accountability can co-exist.
“I’m basically their therapist.”
Translation: I am over-involved, way out of my lane, and in savior complex territory.
Your ability to support RAs is shaped by the authority you hold over their employment. You’re responsible for evaluating performance, enforcing policies, and, when necessary, making decisions about discipline or termination. This doesn’t mean an RA’s value is defined by their productivity, but it does mean that your support cannot be unconditional. Unconditional love and care belongs in relationships free from the structural imbalance of employer and employee. What you can do is model what healthy, ethical support looks like in a professional context: recognize good work, offer grace when it’s warranted, and encourage your team to seek affirmation and support from spaces where power isn’t a factor.
“I know, I need to do better with boundaries.”
*proceeds to not change a thing*
Translation: I’m prioritizing being liked over respected, and I want the benefit of having boundaries without doing the hard work of creating and upholding them.
If you’re drowning in work, creating new habits may feel like one more thing you don’t have energy for, but it’s your only way out. Boundaries aren’t something you hope into existence. They’re a skill: they take practice, consistency, and discomfort. It’s time to do the work.
Now that you’ve stared directly into the chaos of your well-meaning approach, let’s talk about real strategies for building boundaries:
- Start believing that boundaries matter to you. Guilt and shame are not sustainable roots of real change. Seek out resources (I recommend Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab), and identify why boundaries matter to you. More time for the things that bring joy? Less resentment? Better role modeling? Center your boundaries in your values to help you stay on course.
- Be detailed. Create a list of boundary-contingent scenarios: adding students on social media, late-night texts, and personal vent sessions that go too far. Define what’s okay, what’s not, and how you’ll respond. If it depends, what does it depend on? The more specific you are in preparation, the easier it will be to act accordingly later on.
- Give yourself the control. People will inevitably violate your boundaries, and you can’t let that fact discourage you. Focus on doing your part and go from there. For example, instead of “don’t text me after 5” try “if you text me after 5, I will tell you to email me or I may not respond at all.”
- Stop comparing. Sure, draw inspiration from others you feel do boundaries well, but remember that your boundaries are yours. They’re about the life, balance, working style, and relationships you are trying to build for yourself. Copying someone else simply because their boundaries seem to work for them skips the essential work that will make your boundaries effective.
- It’s not just about the “boundary” buzzword. Ever said, “I won’t respond to emails this weekend,” and then spent hours drafting your replies in your head? Sometimes that tension is part of adjusting to a new habit, but sometimes, taking brief action is what you need to free your mind. Personally, I don’t mind sending a quick message or taking a call after hours now and then, knowing I can release my thoughts instead of ruminating on them. That example might not work for you, but perhaps consider what “boundaries” might be overwriting the reason you set them in the first place. Notice what truly gives you peace and build from there.
- Persevere. It is okay to change your mind and make a boundary more or less firm. I just caution you to not confuse guilt with growth. Feeling bad for holding a boundary doesn’t mean it’s wrong; it just needs you’re building a new muscle. Whether you’re staying firm or making an edit, the message is to keep going. If you want this year to be different, you have to follow-up with the actions that will allow it to be.
No one handed you a cape and told you to save your staff from every challenge, deadline, or difficult conversation. You did that all on your own, and you can implement boundaries on your own, too. You’re not a hero, a therapist, or a crisis line. You’re a supervisor. And guess what? That’s enough.
