Have you ever had a crush on someone? When I did an internet search for “romantic relationships” the first suggestion that popped up was “romantic relationships in the workplace” followed by “romantic relationships in the workplace policy”. This is a common issue! It can be tricky to navigate having a crush on a coworker. It’s especially challenging when you live where you work. It probably feels safest and easiest to hide the budding feelings away from the rest of your team, but ultimately, you may decide you want to pursue a relationship with your fellow RA. Choosing to date another RA isn’t all that unique. In my experience, this has happened in some capacity every year that I’ve worked in Residence Life. Don’t get me wrong, the majority of Resident Assistants (RAs) or other student staff members are not dating other RAs, but it happens. You may find yourself wanting to say, “Help! I want to date a fellow RA!” So…what do you do when you’re crushing on another RA?
Talk To The Other Person Involved About How You Are Feeling
In a healthy relationship, even one that just started to bud, communication is key. The two of you should be aware of how the other is feeling and what your expectations of one another are when it comes to working together. For example, you may ask each other: “Do we make an effort to sit at different tables from one another in team meetings?”, “What kind of communication about our relationship will we have with our coworkers?”, and “How will you go about talking to our supervisor?”
Don’t Just Sit Around And Worry!
You might be worried that you will be asked not to be an RA because of the relationship. You might be worried that the other person involved will meet that same fate. You might be worried that you are going to be moved to a different staff team because the two of you aren’t allowed to date and be on the same staff team. Or that your coworkers and students will feel weird being around an “RA Couple”. Worrying about this is a normal reaction, but it’s also been said that “worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but gets you nowhere.” This simile, attributed to writer Glenn Turner, helps me get out of my head and helps me recognize that it’s important to take action. I hope it can help you do something other than being in your dorm room worrying.
Check Your Student Employee Handbook
This document can go by a variety of names, ranging from titles like “Resident Assistant Manual” to “Student Employee Guide” and everything in between. Because this is a common issue to come up in the workplace, your department may already have provided you with written guidance and expectations around dating your coworker. Take a look!
Consider Power Imbalances
Is the RA that you’re crushing on in a specific role, such as a Senior Resident Advisor role, that would add a power imbalance to your relationship? If so, it’s likely best to refrain from dating until after your time working together has come to an end.
Refrain From “Moving In”
If you’re dating another RA, don’t move into their dorm room. Don’t let them move into your dorm room either. A major facet of your job is being present for the residents. If they never see you because you aren’t on your floor…that’s a problem. You should already be off the floor for classes, attending programs on campus, spending time with friends, going to the campus gym, and so on. It’s not that you can’t ever go to other RAs rooms, but you want to make sure that you are still an approachable and active member of your floor!
Talk With Your Supervisor (or another trusted professional staff member)
If you’re nervous about talking to your supervisor about the situation you’re in, I’ve found that it’s helpful to name the way you’re feeling. I’ve had staff members who chose to tell me about their feelings right away and I’ve been able to help ease their anxiety and help them navigate, while I’ve also had staff members who kept it to themselves and didn’t know how to manage on their own, ultimately causing issues on the staff team overall…and who’s to say…I’ve probably had RAs date each other and it caused no issues and I didn’t ever know about it. One thing’s for sure, your supervisor should be there to help you figure out how to move forward successfully as an RA, even if it feels nerve wracking to have that conversation with them. If you don’t have a strong relationship with your supervisor, find another professional staff member that you feel comfortable talking with.
There can be a lot to consider before choosing to date your fellow RA. I hope that these considerations and advice helps make the process of handling a relationship within your live-in role a bit easier.
