RA360: Roommate Agreements and Relationships
TL;DR
Encountering roommate conflicts is almost inevitable in your role as an RA or student staff member. Using some proactive strategies (like agreements) can help keep some of the conflicts from arising or reduce their severity. When they do occur, there are signs to look for and ways you can help mediate differences.
Living with others is one of the great hurdles of day-to-day life. Whether it’s someone you know really well or just met, a romantic partner, sibling or family member, friend, or stranger, successfully sharing space and tasks and respecting one another is crucial to your home being a refuge at the end of the day, a place where you seek peace, rather than an additional source of stress.
Why Should You Care About Roommate Conflict?
Conflict isn’t always loud or dramatic. Sometimes, it’s subtle side-eyes, passive-aggressive sticky notes, or tension that could cut glass. But whether it’s silent or explosive, roommate conflict affects the vibe of a living space fast, and as an RA or student staff member, you’re often the first line of support.
Paying attention to conflict early on matters because:
- It protects students’ well-being and mental health.
- It keeps little issues from becoming big, awkward, dramatic ones.
- It builds your skillset as a student leader.
- Your own sanity may depend on it.
Learning to recognize signs of conflict before they spiral means you can help residents get back to a peaceful living situation and keep you phone from blowing up.
“The roommate agreement is one of the most important parts of the residential experience. Living successfully with another person is a huge learning moment and opportunity for growth in college. Students will get out of the roommate agreement what they put into it, so help them reflect on their needs and how they can best advocate for those in the roommate relationship. Guiding them in this conversation is best for their experience and can make your job easier in the long run by helping minimize future conflicts.”
Common Roommate Conflicts
Living in community means disagreements will happen, it’s totally normal. Whether it’s about noise, guests, or space, conflict shows up in all kinds of ways. Here is a common scenario student staff often hear from residents:
🪑Furniture or Shared Property Disputes
“They keep using my stuff without asking!”
From mini-fridges to rice cookers, shared items can create tension fast.
Approach:
- Clarify ownership and original agreements.
- Use a mediation structure to establish:
- Clear use policies.
- Boundaries (e.g., not using items without asking).
- If the item is communal (e.g., in a suite), create a rotating usage schedule or labeling system.
For more common sources of conflict check out this article:
Now That We Know the Conflict… How Do We Manage It?
Recognizing a conflict is just the first step. The real skill is knowing how to respond.
As an RA or student staff member, your role isn’t to “fix” everything, but to help guide the conversation, provide tools, and support a resolution.
Sometimes that means coaching a resident through a tough conversation. Sometimes it means facilitating one.
The articles above and below help walk you through some strategies for managing these moments with confidence.
Difficult Conversations
Difficult conversations are part of the RA and student staff member job description, right up there with door decs and program planning. Whether it’s two roommates arguing over boundaries or a resident bringing a major concern to you, navigating awkward or tense conversations is your moment to shine as a student leader.
So how do you handle the “uhhh… can we talk?” moments without spiraling into discomfort, silence, or side-eyes?
Moderating vs. Mediating: What’s the Difference?
- Moderating is like being a referee. You’re guiding a discussion between two people but not diving deep. This works for low-stakes issues or when residents mostly need help staying on topic and respectful.
- Mediating is more structured and hands-on. You’re actively facilitating a conversation, often around more emotionally charged or recurring issues, helping each person feel heard and reach a shared agreement.
You don’t always have to jump into “RA-as-therapist” mode. Sometimes, residents just need help setting the tone. Other times, they need more direct guidance, and that’s when a true mediation conversation is the move.
If you’re thinking, “Okay, but how do I actually have a difficult conversation without it being super awkward?”, trust that you’re not alone. Whether you’re moderating a low-key chat or mediating a tense situation, sometimes you just need a little structure.
Roompact’s Agreements feature allows your residents to fill out roommate and suitemate agreement documents together. You can also track their progress and completion. This tutorial will walk you through how it works.
What Are Roommate Agreements?
Roommate agreements are one of the most effective tools we have to help students build a successful living environment from the start. When used intentionally, these agreements can set clear expectations, open the door to honest communication, and help prevent future conflict before it escalates. They’re not just a form, roommate agreements are a conversation starter and a foundation for mutual respect.
There are generally four ways campuses expect these agreements to be completed:
- Solo Completion: Residents receive a link to complete the agreement independently. This is often the most basic and accessible method. While it’s easy to distribute and requires minimal staff time, it often lacks depth and doesn’t always promote meaningful conversations between roommates.
- Floor Meeting Completion: Roommates are asked to complete the agreement during the first floor meeting. This format allows RAs to set expectations with the entire community at once and can help normalize the conversation. However, due to time constraints, these conversations might remain surface-level and may not fully address each roommate pair’s unique dynamic.
- Individual Roommate Completion: RAs or student staff members meet with each roommate pair to complete the agreement together. This method promotes the deepest level of engagement and ensures that conversations are guided and thorough. It requires the most time, but typically yields the most successful outcomes in the long term.
- Post Conflict Completion: Roommate agreements completed after a conflict has already happened can act as a helpful reset. It gives residents space to reflect, clarify expectations, and rebuild communication with guided support. This method can be especially effective when emotions have cooled and both roommates are ready to move forward. However, relying solely on post-conflict completion misses the preventative power of the agreement. By the time tensions boil over, damage may already be done, making conversations harder and resolutions more fragile.
If your campus or supervisor asks you to implement the agreement through the solo method, you’re encouraged to enhance it when possible. This can look like following up with roommates, create reflective check-ins, or add interactive components. You can always build upon the foundation. However, once you choose a method, you should not scale back. In other words, you can make the process more involved, but not less.
Facilitating Roommate Agreements
Facilitating a roommate agreement is more than just walking residents through a checklist. These agreements are your chance to help them build a foundation of clear communication and mutual respect. With everything you now know about conflict and how it shows up, your role is to guide a conversation that gets ahead of potential issues. Whether you’re moderating a light-hearted chat or laying the groundwork to prevent deeper tension, this is where proactive problem-solving begins.
POV: You Have A Conflict
You’re the RA or student staff member. A resident shares a problem. Choose your best response.
Scenario 1: “My roommate is playing music constantly. I have an exam tomorrow and can’t sleep.”
Your response:
A. “Ugh, that’s rough. You should definitely report them to Res Life so they learn their lesson.”
B. “That’s frustrating. Do you want help figuring out how to ask them to turn it down after a certain time? We can talk through what you might say.”
C. “Maybe try blasting your own music back? That might make your point.”
D. “If you leave a note on the speaker, they’ll probably get the hint.”
Click here for the answer:
B; Coach them toward direct, respectful communication.
Scenario 2: “My roommate’s partner is always here. I didn’t sign up for a third roommate, and I never get space to myself.”
Your response:
A. “Have you had a chance to talk about guests lately? We could revisit your roommate agreement together, or I can help guide that convo if you want.”
B. “Maybe they’ll get bored and stop coming over eventually. Just wait it out.”
C. “You could casually bring it up by joking about needing rent from the partner, sometimes humor helps.”
D. “That’s not really something we get involved in unless someone moves in permanently.”
Click here for the answer:
A; Offer to revisit the agreement and assist with a clear, structured conversation if they need it.
Scenario 3: “My roommate hasn’t cleaned anything in weeks. The bathroom is a crime scene.”
You say…
A. “Do you want help talking through expectations again? I can support a short mediation if that feels more comfortable.”
B. “Ew. Maybe just clean your half and hope they take the hint?”
C. “Sometimes people don’t even notice mess. Want me to send a passive-aggressive meme?”
D. “I have a chore chart template if you want to reset expectations—could be a way to avoid a bigger convo.”
Click here for the Answer :
A or D; Offer a tool for shared structure or offer mediation only if the resident wants that support.
Scenario 4: “My roommate keeps using my food without asking. I bought groceries for the week, and half of it’s already gone.”
Your response:
A. “Honestly? Start labeling everything like you’re in a science lab. Boundaries and expiration dates.”
B. “That’s super frustrating. Want to talk about how you could bring it up in a non-accusatory way? I can help you prep.”
C. “Start keeping your food in your room. That’ll send the message.”
D. “Petty option? Replace everything with decoys. Like, swap the milk for water and see how long it takes.”
Click here for the answer:
B; It promotes direct communication and gives the resident options for a solution-oriented approach.
Roommate conflicts are only one type of conflict you may confront in your community. Check out the RA360 on conflict management to learn more about developing this skill.
Questions To Ponder:
- How can you make sure your residents will out agreements with intentionality and not just to “check a box”?
- Have you witnessed roommate conflicts before?
- What were the causes?
- What might have helped residents move through that conflict?
- What strategies can you utilize to help roommates manage and navigate conflict?
RA360 Outcomes:
RAs and student staff members will be able to:
- Explain the function of a roommate agreement process for successful roommate relationships.
- Identify common circumstances under which roommate conflicts can develop.
- Apply strategies for mediating roommate conflicts.
More To Explore
RA360 is a set of resources organized around skills, topics and competencies relevant to Resident Advisors and similar related student staff positions in college and university residence halls.
