You’re walking down the hall in your building when you see a group of your freshman residents “covertly” rushing a case of beer into their room. And for a second or two, a lot of RAs and student staff aren’t solely thinking about policy. They’re thinking: “Why me?”, “Why would they do that?”, and “Man, I don’t want them to hate me for having to say something.”
That tension of wanting to be liked while needing to enforce expectations is one of the hardest parts of the role. And if you’ve felt it, please know that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong; it’s a human response. But you can’t give in to the urge to be their friend 100% of the time. To be an effective RA, you need to learn how to move through that feeling and develop confidence and your response skills, not avoid the situation altogether or make light of it. In the next few paragraphs, we’ll look further into how to check yourself when that feeling comes up, how to approach policy violations, and what being the “bad guy” really means.
Outgrowing Your Default Mode
A tough lesson that you usually learn through experience is that you’re in the role to be a leader, not a people-pleaser. Most RAs are often friendly, approachable, community-minded, and happy to help – it’s exactly why you were hired. But once you step into the role, you’re also responsible for upholding policies, addressing concerns, and being the first response to uncomfortable situations, all of which can come with friction. It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to keep everyone happy, but avoiding hard conversations doesn’t build respect with your residents or coworkers – it creates confusion and distrust. Respect is built when those positive characteristics that you were hired for are combined with consistent actions, presence, and honesty.
It’s important to reflect on what your ‘default mode’ is – how do you show up under pressure? Are you:
- The Over-Apologizer: you soften the situation, usually because a resident is extremely upset at the thought of getting in trouble or the fact that they got caught doing something they knew wasn’t right.
- The Avoider: you hope the situation resolves itself (it usually doesn’t), wait for another RA to notice and step in, or intentionally don’t bring up questions or issues with your supervisor because you know it means having hard conversations.
- The Nervous Rambler: you talk in circles, want to fill the awkward silences, and try to say anything to come off in a more positive light.
- The Messenger: you pass off the tough moments to others – your supervisor, co-RA, police, On-Call leadership, etc. so that you can just stand in the back and feign ignorance.
When things get intense or awkward, most habitual people-pleasers fall into one of the above roles. It’s normal to be one of these characters when you’re just starting out, but it’s not responsible or effective, and we both know you can do way better than these. And the people you’re having to address can be very perceptive – like printers and horses, they can smell fear. This is why confidence and clear expectations are key to success during incidents. When you don’t make your expectations clear of residents in a situation, things tend to escalate or compound over time. If you’re the Over-Apologizer every time that one room receives a noise complaint then they’re not going to get the message, and you need to change your approach.
Saying Less while Meaning More
When you’re not sure how to approach a situation, keep it simple and try this three-part formula to lead with transparency:
- State what you’re observing: “I can hear from down the hall that things are getting loud in here.”
- Name the policy or expectation: “Our community has quiet hours starting at 10 PM, so I need you to bring the volume down.”
- Add a brief empathy statement: “I know you’re trying to have a good time and I’m not trying to say you can’t – it just needs to be at a lower level. I appreciate you working with me.”
This approach keeps you grounded and reduces pushback because it’s clear, neutral, and fair.
A common assumption that I’ve seen new student staff make is that enforcing policy means becoming extra strict or impersonal. Of course, this assumption is incorrect; you can be direct, fair, AND kind at the same time. Being kind doesn’t mean ignoring behavior or bending rules because you feel bad. It means treating residents with respect while still following through on expectations. How would you want someone to handle a situation if it was your best friend or sibling caught drinking in their residence hall room? With kindness.
It’s Really Not About You (and that’s a good thing)
Even when you handle a situation well, someone might still be upset, frustrated, or distant afterwards. This doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Part of this role is recognizing that you’re stepping into situations where residents may feel embarrassed or stressed at being confronted. Their negative reaction is often about the situation, not about you as a person. You can only be responsible for your actions; you are not responsible for controlling someone else’s response. You can also give residents grace in how they react without excusing what happened.
At the end of the day, not everyone is going to like you. I can say with certainty there are a handful of people who, when they tell their fun college-days stories, don’t speak favorably about me as the RA on call. And it’s the way of the world – you’re not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s a hard obstacle to overcome for many. If you do your job well, most residents will respect you, and many will appreciate you over time; however, there will always be moments where you feel like the bad guy. Your goal shouldn’t be to avoid these moments, because while of course it’s a job expectation, it’s also doing yourself a disservice to not challenge yourself and others to have a productive conversation. Some final tips before you pick up the on-call phone:
- Be careful not to lean into villain or police roles.
- Stay consistent and fair in your approach.
- Don’t overcorrect and try to be the hero in everyone’s stories.
- Repair relationships afterwards when possible.
Being the bad guy doesn’t translate to being the mean one. You should always treat people with the respect you want to be shown, and you don’t have to choose between being kind and doing your job – the goal is always to be both.
