As a Resident Advisor (RA) or student staff member, you spent the beginning of your academic year helping residents create roommate agreements. You got them to sit down with you and created an informal contract that would serve as a living, breathing document. Nevertheless, even the best agreements can hit rough patches once real life sets in. People’s habits shift, stress levels rise, and what once felt fair is no longer realistic. That’s where you have to come in once again. Your job as an RA is not to “fix” the conflict, but to help residents revisit and rebuild their agreement so it works for where they are now.
1. Start with Common Ground
When you’re reached out to with, “I can’t live with my roommate anymore,” start by guiding the student to refer back to the Roommate Agreement and identifying what is still working.
Ask questions like:
- “What parts of your agreement still feel fair?”
- “What do you both want this living situation to feel like?”
Finding shared goals, reminds residents they’re on the same team. Common ground becomes the foundation for collaboration and renewed avenues for compromise.
2. Separate the People from the Problem
By the time you’re mediating a conflict, emotions might already be high. One roommate might say, “They never take out the trash,” while the other says, “They’re always criticizing me.” Your role is to help them shift focus from the person to the behavior.
For this, reframe:
- Instead of “You’re messy,” guide them toward “I feel overwhelmed when trash piles up.”
- Instead of “You’re rude,” try “I feel disrespected when my requests aren’t acknowledged.”
This subtle shift turns judgment into communication. This will make solutions easier to find.
3. Revisit the “Why” Behind Each Rule
When the original agreement was made, residents were probably optimistic and thinking mostly in the hypothetical. “Sure, we’ll clean every Sunday!” they might say. Now that their real routines have set in, this is a chance to re-examine why certain expectations were set and whether they have changed.
Encourage the reflection:
- “Why is quiet time after 11 PM important to you?”
- “What’s been hard about sticking to this part of the agreement?”
- “What would make this expectation more realistic?”
You’re not rewriting the whole agreement. You’re revising it based on their lived experiences and the potential for changed reasonings.
4. Listen Like a Mediator
Active, empathetic listening is your most powerful tool. Residents will only engage in the process if they feel heard.
Use these techniques:
- Validate: “It makes sense that you’re frustrated. This seems to have been building up.”
- Ask open-ended questions: “What are some actions you can take to prevent this from happening again?”
When the focus shifts to listening, and emotions cool down, residents can shift from blame to problem-solving.
5. Focus on Interests, Not Just Rules
It’s tempting to dwell on a specific agreement that’s being broken. “They agreed to have no guests on weekdays!” they might be repeating. But beneath every rule is a deeper interest. Maybe that guest rule was about wanting alone time or feeling safe.
Help residents uncover what truly matters to them:
- “Which of your needs aren’t being met with the way things are going right now?”
- “If this rule changed, what would help you still feel comfortable?”
Once interests are clear, compromise becomes possible. Agreements rooted in shared needs, not rigid rules, last longer.
6. Manage the Emotions Before Managing the Agreement
Conflict isn’t just logistical, it’s emotional. If one roommate feels unheard or invalidated, no amount of rule revision may feel truly restorative. Before talking solutions, pause for emotional processing. Invite residents to share what they’re feeling without interruption.
Acknowledge both sides:
- “It sounds like you have been having to hold on to a lot of tension because of this.”
- “It sounds like you each feel the other hasn’t followed through on their promises.”
This helps defuse the intensity and signals that emotional honesty is welcome. If the conversation gets heated, take a short break or reframe with a grounding question like: “What’s one thing you appreciate about your living arrangement when it’s going well?”
7. Rework, Don’t Rewrite
A successful roommate agreement review isn’t about starting over. It’s about updating what no longer works. Guide residents to identify:
- Which expectations need to be revised?
- Which need to be recommitted to?
- Which might need clearer follow-through steps? (ex: “We’ll check in 1 week to see how things are going.”)
Keep the tone future-focused. This isn’t about blame, but growth!
8. End on a Positive Note
Before wrapping up, highlight progress:
- “Thank you both for being honest about what’s been tough and what’s important for you.”
- “Know that by just having this talk you’ve already rebuilt trust.”
If they’ve reached a partial agreement, that’s still a win! Conflict resolution is a process. Revisiting the roommate agreement shows both maturity and care for community living.
When roommate agreements fall apart, it’s not a failure! It’s a chance for transformation. As an RA, you’re helping residents practice communication, empathy, and accountability. These skills go far beyond university housing, and you can let them know that together you are building those skills for their futures in co-living situations. All in all, revisiting the agreement isn’t just about enforcing rules. It’s about rebuilding understanding!
