If you’ve just been hired as a Resident Advisor or Assistant, first of all: congratulations! I’m very excited for each of you; you’re stepping into positions of leadership, acting as a resource for students and a pillar of community building. This is a rewarding job, but it also comes with growing pains and more responsibility than you may be accustomed to having at first.
One of the most intimidating parts of being an RA isn’t the first day of training or talking at a floor meeting (though those are impressive hurdles to clear) – it’s the moment someone says, “Can we chat in my office?” Suddenly, your brain jumps into overdrive. What did I do? Am I in trouble? Are they disappointed in me?
Here’s the truth: that fear is absolutely normal. Even though it’s normal, that fear shouldn’t control you or wreck your day. This is easier said than done, and as an innately anxious individual, I know that a vague meeting invite or request to chat can have the power to become the only thing that exists in your world at that moment. It makes sense that it takes time to unlearn that reaction. Feedback shouldn’t be about punishment, but growth. You’re stepping into a role as a student leader and adapting to a lot of change – there will be mistakes. But this job comes with a kind of safety net – you aren’t expected to be perfect, but you are expected to keep learning.
Reflect, Don’t Deflect
If you’re heading into a conversation and have an idea what it’s about, it’s a good idea to reflect beforehand and internally dive into these common questions:
- What happened?
- What actions did I take that were beneficial? Which ones weren’t helpful?
- What harm has been done to the community? (ex: a resident is unhappy, a maintenance issue got bigger or wasn’t solved, a coworker or community member lost trust in you.)
- Follow up: Can I repair any of that harm?
- How can I move differently in the future? What solutions can I put in place to make sure these events don’t repeat themselves?
Being prepared with thoughtful answers shows ownership and maturity, and supervisors notice. Thinking about what effect your actions had and sharing ideas to help can shift the tone of the conversation to be more collaborative and restorative. Speaking of tone, your tone of voice also matters. If you raise your voice, frequently interrupt, or sound like you’re blaming someone else, that ultimately won’t reflect well on you, and won’t allow the conversation to be as productive as it could be.
The incident in question might be 100% someone else’s fault, and you deserve to explain that; however, you can convey that without sounding like you’re trying to deflect. Take accountability for the role you played, find clarity with your supervisor about where things went wrong, and take your time – it’s okay to think about a question before responding. My bet is that your supervisor wants to understand you and the situation through your eyes.
Trusting Your Supervisor and Yourself
Your supervisor might start the conversation in a more intense way than they intend – depending on what happened, they could be facing pressure from their supervisor to get the full picture and course correct. So when you’re explaining, honesty is the only policy. Don’t leave out the parts that make you look bad – being honest in this conversation means telling ‘the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth’. Think about this – if you leave out a key point, and during information gathering your supervisor finds out you skirted around something important, you’re breaking their trust AND you get another meeting where you have to explain why you didn’t include it.
These days, more higher education professionals are focusing on restorative justice as a way to address conflict, miscommunication, and mistakes. This means instead of focusing on punishment, the goal is to repair harm, understand the ripple effects of your actions, and help you build stronger and better habits. While some feedback conversations will include things like a written warning or even probation, the majority of the meeting should focus on how to move forward; you shouldn’t leave feeling terrible about yourself.
That said, it’s okay if you feel a little heavy after a conversation. RAs carry real responsibility. Something that seems small, like not checking ID information during a lockout, can have serious liability implications that your supervisors are trained to recognize. A good supervisor will help you understand not just what went wrong, but why it matters. So when a supervisor asks to talk, take a deep breath before jumping to conclusions. They’re not trying to ambush you – most of the time, they’re trying to support you before something small becomes something serious further down the road.
Debriefing with Yourself
Once the conversation wraps up, you need to take time for yourself, even if it’s as brief as 15 minutes before your next class. Check in with yourself, ask how you’re feeling and what you need in that moment. Make sure to remind yourself that one mistake doesn’t define you. I’m going to say it again in case you’re just skimming: One mistake does not define you.
Taking accountability is an important part of hearing and accepting feedback, but don’t overcompensate and turn it into a spiral of self-doubt and undeserved criticism. Overcorrecting for a situation that has already been discussed can actually cause you and your residents more stress and confusion. It’s important that you give yourself permission to move forward and forgive yourself for making a mistake. You’re still in the role for a reason and showing that you can learn from a hiccup will speak louder than anything else.
Before you head off to face your first year as an RA (and totally rock it), here’s a summary:
- Getting feedback doesn’t mean you’re failing.
- There’s always something to learn, from both good and bad situations.
- Mistakes are part of the story, not the end of it.
- Your supervisors are rooting for you – you should root for you, too.
And if no one’s told you yet: we’re so glad you’re here.
You’re going to do great.
Erin Brown (she/her/hers) is a Residence Life Coordinator at Colorado School of Mines, overseeing a first-year hall. Erin completed her B.A. and M.S.Ed. at the University of Tennessee at Martin in 2021 and 2022, respectively. She became an RA during her freshman year of college and after graduating moved to Colorado to work as a Resident Director. In her work, Erin most enjoys RA training, move in, and being someone residents can stop by to talk to anytime. She also loves cozy video games, photography, and spending time with her partner.
